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Aug 10, 2023

Faking It Episode 214 Recap: So Liberal With Her Scissors and Other Things

Welcome to the fourteenth episode of the second season of Faking It, an

Welcome to the fourteenth episode of the second season of Faking It, an informational documentary about the dangers of putting Magic Shell in the refrigerator, from the same network that brought you I Want a Famous Face.

We open in the dapper sunlight of an early morn, where Karma and Amy have fallen asleep spooning after Amy's tragic breakup with Reagan.

SINCE WHEN AM I THE BIG SPOON?

Karma, unnecessarily horrified — as in, she fully considers for a good solid second that maybe they had wild lesbian sex all night, which I s’pose means she considers such a thing possible, which means something, maybe — leaps out of bed in full hair and makeup and quickly re-dresses herself in an outfit far too ambitious for this time of day. They’ve got a couples date with Liam, Shane and Duke! Amy slowly rouses herself and makes a solid case for staying in bed (because bed, y’all) but Karma informs Amy that she can't just wallow forever! It's been nearly 45 seconds! Get over it!

Mmmmm…. morning head….

Meanwhile, Theo's softening Lauren's icy heart like a stick of butter! They’re in love like butterflies kissing on a leaf. Lauren says that she misses kissing him in public, but they can't because Theo would lose his job and Lauren would lose her presidency. I know this ’cause Lauren tells Theo, "If anybody found out, you’d lose your job and I’d lose my presidency." As you know, of course. Also, as you know, Theo's name isn't "Theo," but Lauren likes it so she's sticking to it.

Ok well, obviously I’m wearing a black t-shirt and a dark grey-jacket and my Bart Simpson undies…

Theo's left a little note for Lauren on the back porch, so Lauren zooms down to snatch it only to find that Amy the Wild Snatcher's already got her fingering fingers all over it — and it says "I’m counting the hours until I see you again." Fortunately or unfortunately, the conclusion Amy subsequently jumps to is not that Lauren's sneaking around with Theo — it's that her mother is having an affair!

Saturdays at Sporkle are swinging soirees, and today is no exception: the interns are stapling away like two swans in a pond!

I love a girl who understands that one irrelevant button on her dress isn't nearly enough

Then Liam's Dad shows up and Zita steps out just in time for Liam's Dad to inform Liam that he thinks Zita would make a good life partner for his strapping young son and that Karma's probably just after his money.

Liam: Karma is awesome!Mr. Booker: They all seem awesome until they come after your money. That's what I like about Zita! She's got piles of her own.

I’ve added "talk to Zita about investing in Autostraddle" to my to-do list.

It's okay, son. Gender theory is hard, but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it after a few semesters.

Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy's Mom is foisting a large platter of processed carbohydrates upon her sweet angels while whistling a happy tune to herself. I know what you’re thinking: she's finally had sex with a woman! NOPE.

So you’re telling me the bird that was previously sitting on my shoulder is no longer there?

Amy: Is that a new haircut, mother?Farrah: Why is it too short? Oh, that darn Becky at the salon, so liberal with her scissors… and other things!

Amy doesn't even catch that Farrah's hairdresser Becky is a carpet-muncher ’cause she's far too preoccupied with who might be munching Farrah's carpet. She tells Lauren that Farrah cheats on every husband with the next one and honestly, Bruce is the best one she's got so far — and, also, it turns out that "this whole step-sister thing wasn't so terrible either." "Same," Lauren agrees. Aw. See! Friendship is magic!

Oh come on, don't pretend like you don't know what scissoring is

Only if you stop pretending that you hate 69

We then take a merry walk through television time/space and arrive at Kurt and Blaine's favorite hangout: the local neighborhood coffee shop. Shane and Duke are enjoying some generous public displays of affection ’cause they never get to see each other now that Duke's so busy with appearances.

Oh hey aren't you the chick who sells smoothies with poison in them?

You want a free sample?

Karma's enthusiasm for Liam's arrival is immediately dampened when he shows up with Zita in tow. Unfortch, Duke's publicist couldn't snag Shane a spot on the jet plane to see Duke's first big fight, but never fear, Zita and Her Piles Of Money are here! She insists on flying the whole gang to Los Angeles on her private jet.

Oh my gosh YOU’RE @bakedzitaaaaa? We read your Emison fan-fic out loud to each other before bed!

Ugh no that shit is SO old, where did you even find it?

My Emison days are over. I only write Sparia fic now.

This changes everything

We then skip merrily back to Chez Fawcett, where Amy's intense archeological dig of the laundry hamper for clues about Farrah's affair have turned up one very important clue: a motel key card!

That's right. Somebody's been using MY Walgreens Rewards card and I’m not stopping 'til I get my 18,000 hard-earned points back.

We then fly luxuriously over to Los Angeles, California, home of sun, stars, relaxing beaches, a lot of mid-day traffic and most of my friends. Shane's gushing about the gay masseuse Zita's got on her Private Jet as they pull up to the venue just in time for Duke's "weigh-in." But Zita's got different plans for her afternoon with Karma.

Lemme just say that I happen to have a few friends waiting for us at The Planet…

and one of them just-so-happens to be named Shane McCutcheon!

I’ll catch up with you later.

Zita wants to go shopping on Rodeo to buy new duds for the big fight tonight, her treat. When prodded, Karma insists to Liam that all these diamond rings and fancy things don't make her feel weird at all! Not even one tiny bit! Nope! Absolutely not.

Liam: Are you okay with all of this? You know… with things back home right now I wouldn't blame you if you felt uncomfortable.Karma: The only thing uncomfortable for me was all the turbulence over Arizona. You’re sweet to worry but I’m having a blast!

Fun fact: "all the turbulence over Arizona" is my pet name for Laneia. So, Liam dashes, and Karma and Zita are free to hit the shops like the great gal pals they are.

Back in Texas, Amy and Lauren are fighting over whose parent is doing the cheating — Lauren insists it's her Dad, and Amy insists it's her Mom. Everybody wants to have the cheater on their family tree!

Oh my word did you fingerbang Becky the hairdresser while she was on her period?!

Why isn't Farrah wearing her wedding ring? Is that a new shirt, BRUCE? Oh yeah, it was a gift from Farrah. Why the GIFTS, Farrah? What is this, CHRISTMAS? Is that why everybody is always wearing scarves and sweaters? Does somebody feel GUILTY about DOING SOMETHING NAUGHTY? What's with all the SUGAR AND SPICE? WHAT’S THE DEAL, Y’ALL?

Look, all I’m saying is that maybe if you stopped dumping cocaine onto all of our food, we could finally get some sleep around here

Well, Farrah knows the deal: Amy's just lost and delirious ’cause she's still heartbroken about Reagan!

Farrah: I know what this is about. You’re still hurtin’ from your breakup. And I bet right now you hope that you will never fall in love again. But your soulmate is out there and you’ll find him someday. Or her. Them. Whatever.

Look at Farrah with her gender-neutral pronouns!

We then swim in our teeny tiny bikinis over to resplendent Los Angeles, California, where Duke's shocked and thrilled to see his boyfriend has made the arduous journey through land and fog to watch him punch another man in the faceplate!

Listen, just come with me, and before you know it, we will be in a world of pure imagination

Joanna The Publicist is thrilled ’cause Mr. Peanut is here and Mr. Peanut's product launch was the best product launch of all time! What a catch, that Liam Booker! She already pre-ordered her monocle!

Let the armpit-smelling contest commence

Joanna says Shane can duck out if seeing Duke compare his biceps to another man's biceps makes him uncomfortable, but nope, insists Shane, ’cause "I know who Duke's going to prom with, and it ain't that guy." Joanna is alarmed to learn her client is shagging a high school student and obviously hasn't seen the Brian/Justin prom scene from Queer as Folk.

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Riese is the 40-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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